Is your penis too small?

Concerns ... manhood size

Just about every man would like his penis to be that extra bit bigger.

Men have always tended to eye each other up nervously when they get the opportunity but the anxieties have probably got worse now that internet pornography and sex videos are so much more widely available. 

The men in those are specially selected just because they are exceptionally large, and so blokes get the feeling that is the norm when actually it is abnormal. That said, though, a very few men do have cause for concern because they never developed properly. 

Statistics for penis size vary but the latest reliable research is that the greater proportion of penises are usually around 5 cm/2 inches long when soft and range from 11.5 cm/4.6 inches to 15cm/nearly 6 inches when erect, with the average being 13 cm/5.2 inches – about the size of a large tube of toothpaste, as someone pointed out. 

You shouldn't feel too bad if you notice that other men seem much larger than you when you see them in the showers or changing rooms. 

For one thing, willies do tend to average out in size when it matters - that is erect - and you should bear in mind that, when you see other men's tackle, you're seeing them from a different angle - you're looking across at theirs and down at your own, which has a foreshortening effect. 

And don't forget that your penis is very clever, and shrinks upwards and presses itself close up against the body for warmth and safety when you're anxious or cold - as in that changing room. 

You will probably get a more cheering view of your equipment if you try looking at yourself, when you're warm and relaxed at home, in a full-length mirror, which is how others see you. 

Even if you do still worry you're on the small side, it really won't spoil your love life - or your partner's satisfaction. Women in a loving relationship aren't as conscious of penis size as men. In fact, too large a penis causes women far more serious concerns than a small one. 

When I do hear from men who say women have laughed at the size of their penis, in almost every case it is because they were having casual sex with women who barely knew them, and certainly weren’t in love with them. Casual sex is all about judging each other by physique and performance, not intensity of feelings - nor even quality of sex. 

What really makes a good lover isn't size below the belt but how sensitive and sensuous, informed and imaginative you are. Your hands, mouth and whole body matter as much if not more than your penis, and women get the most exciting sensations, not through the vagina itself but through the clitoris, which you stimulate with your hands, mouth or groin, not your penis. 

If your partner complains of lack of sensation, it may well be that she has a problem, nothing to do with your anatomy. In which case, suggest she write to me and I'll help her sort it out. 

If it is your loving that is at fault, then it's not that you need to grow an extra inch but that you need to develop more skills and sensitivity as a lover. I can send you free leaflets on How to Have Great Sex and Help your Partner to Orgasm, which will help you, but the following simple tips can make a big difference. 

Choose deep-penetration positions or those where the vagina is “closed off” a bit. Go for entering from behind, or her on top but leaning backwards – anything which alters the slant of the vagina will make you feel larger to her and increase sensation. In the missionary position, put a pillow under her bottom and suggest she keep her thighs pressed close together with your legs outside hers. 

Thrust hard and deep – though check with her before and after to make sure she’s enjoying the sensation. 

If you tend to climax quickly, masturbate often. All penises have roughly the same number of nerve endings in the head. If yours is small, this means it’s going to be more sensitive. The more you masturbate the less sensitive you’ll become, and so less liable to suffer from premature ejaculation, especially if you practice controlling your climax while you’re doing it – explained in more detail in my leaflet on Self-help for Premature Ejaculation. 

Go for variety. If you’ve made her orgasm through oral sex, masturbation and given her a wonderful sensual massage, you take the main focus off intercourse, which eases the pressure for both of you. Most women find it difficult to reach orgasm through intercourse alone, so she’ll be happy with the change in emphasis. 

If you're still worried, you may wonder about pills, creams and gadgets which are advertised to boost penis size. Basically, none of them work in any significant and permanent way. At best you can waste a lot of time and money. At worst, you could even damage yourself. 

The vast majority of men are best advised to accept themselves as they are. Your penis is just one, very human, part of you. Learn to love it. If you can't accept that, your problems are far more likely to be down to lack of confidence and self-esteem in general than that your penis is too small. 

But if you’re still anxious, don't suffer in silence. See your GP for a check-up. If you're in your teens it could be you still have some developing to do. If you're not confident the doctor is taking your worries seriously, ask for a referral or go along to your nearest genito-urinary clinic where you can see a specialist. 

They can advise you if you are one of the tiny minority who really are extra-small (micro-penis) and for whom treatment might be advisable. This surgery might be available on the NHS, or will cost a few thousand pounds privately. 

There are two main techniques. One involves taking surplus fat from the body and inserting it under the skin of the penis. This has an initial effect but the fat can be reabsorbed, leaving little lasting improvement, or it can harden leaving a lumpy effect. 

The other method is cutting the ligament from which the penis is suspended. This can leave hair growing on the first inch or so of the penis, and also make the angle of erection flatter. 

I’m afraid that, like all surgery, it carries very real risks of complications. Men who’ve had surgery to enlarge their penis have written to me to warn other men off it. If you’re still keen to find out more about surgery, though, contact the Medical Advisory Service on their General Medical Helpline (020 8994 9874, www.medicaladvisoryservice.org.uk). 

If, when you see your GP, you are reassured that there is nothing wrong physically, then it may be that you are focussing all sorts of other worries on to this very symbolic part of your body. 

Talking it all over with a counsellor could help, and I can send you free leaflets on How to Find Good Counselling, How to Overcome Shyness, or How to Get a Great Social Life. For these or any other help, please write to problems@deardeidre.org.