A guide to oral sex

Feel comfortable ... talk to your partner

IF you want to share oral sex with your partner but wonder how to go about it,

you first need to be sure this is something you feel comfortable with and really want to do for your own pleasure as well as your partner’s.

Don’t feel pressured into trying it just because your partner likes the idea or says everyone does it. 

Many couples find it one of the most pleasurable ways of giving and receiving sexual stimulation, but the relationship between you has to be very close and loving for this very intimate form of contact to feel right. 

If you’re at all unsure, then it will help you to read my free leaflet Anxious About Oral Sex? If you’re the one who’s keen to try oral sex but your partner isn’t, then read my free leaflet Tensions Over Oral Sex? before putting on any more pressure. 

Assuming you are both equally keen to enjoy oral sex and just lack the know-how, here’s a practical guide, starting with giving a woman oral sex. 

Many women enjoy this more than intercourse and a man who gives good oral sex can be a wonderful lover. Even so, as I mentioned before, you do need to feel comfortable together, and this is usually going to be within a secure, loving relationship, where you both trust each other. 

Before getting started it’s a good idea to wash all over, including all the nooks and crannies, with mild soap and rinse off with plenty of water. 

Women are often slower to become aroused than men, so she will most likely need lots of loving foreplay for her to start getting aroused – so don’t rush. It’s not a race. A sensuous massage can be a good way of getting her in the mood for exciting foreplay. 

For the first time, it is a good idea if you can have at least a low light on, so that you can see the layout and have a better idea of what you are doing. Most women find their clitoris very sensitive and you need to know where this is. It is the small pea-sized bit tucked in front of the vagina. 

You will need to use lots of saliva to keep the area moist but you can start with licking the entire area. Use your hand to caress her thighs, her breasts or her stomach to add to the pleasure for her. 

Gentle sucking will feel great. A word of warning, though, never blow into her vagina, as this can be harmful. 

Ask her whether she likes it slow or fast, gentle or firm, but keep up a steady rhythm, as women need continual stimulation to reach climax. You can flatten your tongue to stimulate larger areas, or use the tip to concentrate on more specific areas. 

You will be able to tell when she is near orgasm by her groans of pleasure, or by her rhythmic movements. At this point it is important not to move away from the clitoris. Increase the pressure slightly or go a little quicker. 

As she is actually orgasming, go back to slow gentle strokes, but continue to cover the whole clitoral area by using your whole tongue. 

Most women find that their clitoris is unbearably sensitive after orgasm, so she may push your head away and put her hand down to cover the area. Don’t worry. This doesn’t mean she has not enjoyed it, exactly the opposite, in fact. 

Now a guide for a woman wanting to give a man oral sex. It is usually best to start with the man on his back and you leaning over him. This will give you most control and help you build up your confidence. 

Remember you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Start off with something simple, to get you in the mood. Hold his penis at the base with one hand, and lick up each side several times as if it were an ice-cream cone. 

Then you could form your mouth into an 0 and gently slide your lips up and down. Don’t rush - going slowly gives him a lot of pleasure. Try sucking and licking with different pressures and at different speeds. A variation is to swirl your tongue round the top as your head comes up. He will love this. 

Changing movements can stop you getting tired too quickly. The butterfly flick is different and gives your lips a rest. This involved flicking your tongue gently along the ridge on the underside, and ending with several rapid flicks at the point where the head joins the main shaft. This will be absolute heaven for him. 

You don’t have to give oral sex non-stop. Pausing from time to time to caress and fondle him all over can tease him to further pleasure. 

There is no rule about whether your man should climax in your mouth or not, and if you are not happy with it, then fine. Make it clear from the start, so that there is no misunderstanding. Never blow into his penis by the way, as this can be dangerous. 

Oral sex is not completely safe sex, I’m afraid. It would be a very unlikely – though not impossible - way to pass on HIV, but you should avoid oral sex if there is the possibility of one of you having any sort of sexually transmitted infection, being HIV positive, and if you have any cuts or scratches around the mouth or genital area. 

If one of you has cold sores, you could give the other genital herpes, and the other way about – oral sex is now a very common method of transmission of herpes - and it is certainly possible to develop gonorrhoea in the throat. There has even been some research suggesting that giving unprotected oral sex to a partner with HPV (genital warts, which can be almost invisible to the naked eye) can lead to mouth cancer.

You can use a dental dam, a thin square of latex, to protect against infection but, if there's any chance one of you may be suffering from an infection of any kind, you shouldn't have sexual contact without getting expert treatment and advice. The best place is probably your local genito-urinary or special clinic, which will be attached to a local hospital. 

And just to be clear, if a man gives or receives oral sex from a girl under 16, he could be charged with an offence. Similarly an older woman with a younger lad might be liable to prosecution.