Acting out sexual fantasies

Be his fantasy ... but make sure both of you are
happy with what's happ

SEXUAL fantasies can cause a lot of confusion between couples because men and women tend to have different sorts of fantasies and have different expectations of them. 

When a woman talks about sexual fantasy she usually means an image or imagined scenario she may have in her head as she makes love. 

So she may actually be in her suburban bedroom with her tubby hubby of 15 years, but in her head she is an Oriental princess in a harem being taken by her lord whose prowess is irresistible - or something like that. 

To a woman, a sexual fantasy is rarely anything she expects - or indeed would even want - to happen. 

Women do quite commonly fantasise being raped. This does not, repeat not, mean that this is an experience they would in any way relish in reality. I think women find such a fantasy sexually releasing because it helps them overcome their inhibitions. 

If they can kid their inner selves that they are being forced into sex, then they are able to relax into enjoying it more. And fantasy rape is not, of course, like real rape, with all the pain, terror and degradation involved. 

Women know that very clearly, and usually keep their sexual fantasies to themselves. Even if their sexual dreams are quite tame, they worry that sharing it with their partner will hurt his feelings, make him feel inadequate. 

Generally, women's secret sexual fantasies help them enjoy sex and are nothing to feel guilty about, no matter how lurid they are. After all, it is only a fantasy. 

But if they do tell their partner, it can lead to confusion because men tend to view fantasy and to use the word quite differently. If you ask a man what is his favourite sexual fantasy he will usually tell you something he would very much like to put into practice - if he dared. 

It is far less likely to be an exotic dream and more likely to be a sexual technique he particularly enjoys - especially if his partner isn't so keen on it. So a man may say his sexual fantasy is oral sex, bondage, making love to two women at once.

I often hear from couples where the man is putting pressure on his partner to help him act out his fantasies, but actually putting such fantasies into practice is often a terrible mistake. Unlike people in fantasies, real people have feelings which get involved. 

Involving someone else in your sex life, such as acting out a fantasy of having three-in-a-bed can lead to a terrible aftermath of hurt feelings, jealousy and shame which far outweighs the fleeting pleasure. 

Pressuring a partner to join in bondage, S and M or anything they don't feel really comfortable with, just shows that there are serious underlying problems in your relationship because, if you really loved them, you wouldn't want them to feel uneasy or unhappy - and you risk putting them off making love with you altogether. 

If it's your partner who is putting you under pressure to join in acting out any supposed fantasy about which you feel uneasy, do think whether there is any real reason why you shouldn't experiment a little - but not if it involves pain or degradation. 

In fact, if yours is a new or unhappy relationship then you could get seriously hurt - or even end up dead - if you trust a partner too far in acting out their fantasies. 

Until you know someone well enough, you should follow the rules for safer sex - I can send you details if you're unsure - and not be out of range of calling for help until you are truly confident you can trust them with your safety. Any partner who really cares for you will understand your caution. 

Certainly, you should not agree to acting out any fantasy which includes you being tied up, bound or gagged in any way, blindfolded or having anything put over your head unless this is what you really want and you are with a partner in a really long-term relationship who you have no doubts cares for you deeply. 

In fact, serious conflicts about sexual fantasies usually come down to a problem in the relationship generally. If you are with a partner who really loves you, they aren't going to want to upset you by pushing you to act out fantasies that you find distasteful or worrying. 

If this is causing a great deal of conflict between you, it's well worth while making an appointment to see a Relate counsellor to find out what is really at issue and how it can be resolved (0300 100 1234, www.relate.org.uk). 

Don't worry that they will shocked. Relate have special sex therapists and even their ordinary counsellors are specially trained and pretty unshockable. 

I hope this has helped you sort out your thoughts about sexual fantasies. If you have any particular worries, do write to me and I will do my best to help. 

If you realise that your real problem is that your love life has become rather dull and/or infrequent, then you might like my free leaflets How To Have Great Sex, How To Revive Sex Drive or 50 Ways To Add Sparkle To Your Love Life.